French Mishaps When You Can’t Wax Poetic
We've all had that dream where you show up for an exam or presentation naked, right? Well, I’ve made that dream a reality. My most unforgettable French exam took place in a beauty salon (un institut de beauté) in the 17th arrondisement. No beating around the proverbial bush here—I was there for a wax.
It took a year to find and work up the nerve to visit the salon. The wax itself didn’t make me nervous. It was my woefully inadequate French vocabulary for the occasion. Hair removal isn’t a topic covered by any French teacher I’ve had. Especially not those I have addressed with vous, not tu.
I tried googling “English speaking wax.” The results were overpriced hotel spas or salon websites with no indication that their technicians spoke English.
When Google fails, I normally turned to my colleagues for assistance. But there is no easy segue into vagina-based conversation during the lunch hour. I considered cornering one of my female coworkers, but which one?! What criteria do you use to identify who gets their lady garden maintained by a professional? I considered asking for a recommendation in an expat Facebook group, but that felt like an unnecessary public overshare.
In the end, I stumbled upon a salon near my office with two positive signs that English was spoken—the business name was in English and the website had an English language option. Good enough for me!
The day of my appointment finally arrived. I entered the salon and said my bonjour like a good Parisian. I don’t know what was wrong with my bonjour, but the woman at the front desk immediately responded in English. What a relief!
Turns out, this woman named Sheila was the owner of the salon, and she lived in London before moving to Paris. While walking to the treatment room, she asked about my French language learning progress. I admitted that I still had extreme difficulty speaking French, but I was getting good at understanding it.
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew I’d regret it. Sheila got a look in her eye that said “We’ll see about that.” After some further small talk, Sheila switched to her brand of Simon says.
Sheila says : Enlevez votre jean et vos sous-vêtements. Vous pouvez les mettre sur la chaisse. Et puis, installez-vous sur la table.
Panic mode was officially activated. I started sweating before the wax was even warm. The buzzing in my head drowned out all rational thought. Which way was up on that table? Like my head goes where? I had to ask her.
There was more English small talk before she gave her next command: Pliez les jambes et joignez les plantes de pied, comme un papillon.
Butterfly stretch? No problem.
Sheila says : Ramenez les cuisses sur le ventre et ouvrez les cuisses sur le côté
Happy baby? Thank you, past self, for taking yoga class.
Sheila says: Allongez-vous sur le côté gauche, ramenez les genoux vers la poitrine.
Fetal position? Well, at least now my outsides match my insides.
And that was how I found myself sans pants with my unexpected French exam proctor scrutinizing and plucking away at my bits. It was my most memorable and awkward French exam to date. But at least I passed.
Ultimately, I can’t save anyone from the awkwardness of a bilingual wax. Some may consider the experience good practice, like this woman. But, to make sure you get the results you want, here are the most common waxes (épilation) for ladies, complete with the terms your French teacher won’t teach you.
Bonne chance !
The bikini also called épilation échancrée, and the ticket de métro may be called a semi-intégral.
Bonus vocab: ++ SIF (sillon inter-fessier), translation between the cheeks IYKYK
For more info on waxing en français, check out the photo source